Feeling Guilty this Mothers Day..

** Trigger Warning – This contains very personal feelings regarding my miscarriage.

 

This is a day I’ve waited for, for many years now. My first Mothers Day as an actual Mum! Since having my miscarriage several years ago now, whilst the anniversary (22nd March) of the missed miscarriage was always a sad day with reason, Mothers Day was always the stinger too. I’d be buying my Mum’s card and thinking, ” I could of been getting a card this year if I hadn’t miscarried”. I’d quickly bury the thought as a hot tear might roll from my eye and carry on with my day not allowing myself to get upset.

I often took the 22nd of March off work, I think spending the day at home with my thoughts and tears was my way of paying homage to what happened and the little baby that was almost here with us. Last year I got my dream come true of being a Mum when Amelia was born, and It was in that instant that I think it hurt less that I’d previously lost a baby which made me feel incredibly guilty.

I always knew I’d have a hole in my heart after what had happened. I felt cheated, I felt robbed and I wondered what I had done to deserve such a tease of a prank to be given such a gift and then to have it taken away. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 21 and I was told I might find it hard to conceive and at the time, brushed it off as it wasn’t even a thought on my radar, I think I had only just started seeing my first boyfriend later that year, so the priority was to lose my virginity haha, not make a baby! 2 years later when I was 23 I found out I was pregnant and I can remember getting on board with it quite quickly after many nervous calls to my Best friend and asking her to bring a years supply of pregnancy tests to my work so I could pee on them all to confirm.  Suffice to say, we got the bad news that the fetus had stopped growing not long after we had a scan and I had suffered a missed miscarriage where the fetus stops growing but the body still thinks it’s pregnant.

I remember the pain on the day I had the miscarriage, both physical and emotional, and I think it was from that moment I knew I wanted to have a baby. I desperately wanted to try again as if to almost erase what had just happened and put it behind us, but it didn’t work like that. 11 months later my boyfriend of that time broke up with me as he knew I wanted a family and after what happened I think for me it obviously made me want a family more but for him it was the opposite.

So now I’m with my new boyfriend, aka my fiance James and we’ve been trying for a few years now and after lots of tears and obsessions over periods and ovulation days, it finally happened for us and of course, we’ve had Amelia! I can remember coming out of many baby scans very upset and in tears, thankful James wasn’t with me as I was over the moon at how Amelia was growing but absolutely heartbroken as my previous hadn’t made it this far.  I think I must of checked my pee everyday for 9 months hoping to not see blood when I wiped, every ache, every pain, my mind often went to a dark and negative place hoping to not relive my previous experience.

I would certainly say having a miscarriage tainted my pregnancy as I was worried for the majority of the 9 months, it didn’t help that every complication that could of gone wrong, did go wrong, but we made it and I have a beautiful healthy girl who is 5 months today. ( 22nd March ).

Whilst I was in the hospital holding Amelia for maybe the 4th of 5th time, I was a lot more with it, James was passed out on the bed and I was on this chair just holding our sleeping bundle. I had wanted this moment for so long and I couldn’t fully enjoy it. I was in so much pain ( you can read my labour story here ) and it was such a traumatic time and it’s natural to be so hormonal and upset after giving birth but, even with my precious bundle I still thought about the baby that wasn’t here with us, Amelia’s older brother or sister.

Well it’s now coming upto Mothers day, A day I have hated for the past 6 years, however this year, I have a reason to enjoy it, not just for my mum obviously, whom I’m so thankful for, but for myself now. This year I get to join millions of mothers who are proud of their babies and of themselves and what they have had to overcome and I’m so honoured to be called a Mother. I now know what it means and what the job entails and it’s not always easy. I find myself looking forward to Mothers day. What card will James get me? Will he do silly handwriting to make out like our 5 month old has written it? Will he make me breakfast in bed (highly bloody unlikely) and claim our daughter is a tremendous chef? All I know is on the day, I’ll want nothing more then to smile and be happy and feel like the champion I am for having gone through what I’ve been through having Amelia, and I can only hope my unborn baby up there knows that I love them dearly, and even though every day I smile for Amelia and all that she is learning to do, I’m thinking of them too.

Having Amelia feels like she’s partly filled that broken part of me, I don’t think it will hurt as much now that she’s here but I’ll never forget. Wherever you are and whatever you are doing, just know Mummy loves you and you are here with us in our hearts and in our thoughts and with us always. Happy Anniversary Darling. I’ll be lighting a candle for you today and Mothers day <3

 

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  • Rachel Bee

    I hate that you had to go through this, but this post is so beautifully written and is utterly perfect. I know exactly how you feel. Huge love for your Mother’s Day! xx